Welcome back to Mostly Dating, a newsletter designed to help you transform your dating life and relationships.

I am SO excited to be back. This era of the Mostly Dating newsletter is going to be better than ever. Every Thursday, we’ll dive deeper into reader questions and various dating, relationship, and self-care tips.

Want to be suggest a topic or submit a question (anonymously) for a future send? Send me an email here.

11 signs you need to set better boundaries in your relationships

The word “boundaries” gets tossed around a lot in the dating world—and, while I agree boundaries are *very* important, I’ve found that a lot of people don’t have any clue what their boundaries should be (let alone how to set them).

My take? Boundaries don’t need to be your entire personality. And honestly, you shouldn’t need to have a sit down talk every time you set a boundary.

Boundaries should be set through your actions and small statements—and you’re just as responsible for respecting your own boundaries as everyone else is. If you’re not treating yourself well, you’re way more likely to accept less from other people as well.

Signs you need to set better boundaries:

• You often feel drained, burnt out, or excessively tired

• You tend to have a lot of drama in your relationships

• You often want to cancel plans that you’ve committed to in advance

• You feel guilty saying no to people

• You resent people for what you are contributing to the relationship

• You feel like you are constantly sacrificing, like you have no time for yourself, or that your needs come last

• You judge people for setting boundaries for themselves (or find yourself wishing you could be more like them)

• You tend to feel like people around you are criticizing or judging you

• You often hold yourself back from speaking your mind and you feel uncomfortable voicing your needs

• You don’t ask for help but resent when people don’t offer

• You change how you act around certain people to better fit their personalities or how you think they want you to behave

7 ways to be more confident

Confidence is truly the most attractive quality—and it isn’t something you’re born with. At least if it is, it’s not something that sticks around unless we work at it 😂.

I believe confidence is a muscle you have to exercise for it to get (and stay) strong. I also think confidence is a lot quieter than people think. It’s not loud or flashy.

Confidence can be as simple as speaking up even when it feels uncomfortable, choosing rest over people pleasing, or literally just trusting your own gut.

Here are a few research-backed ways to build confidence:

• do something that makes you feel like your authentic self

• finish something you’ve been procrastinating on

• set a boundary (are we sensing a theme here?!)

• do something nice for someone else

• learn something new

• treat yourself to self care

• step outside of your comfort zone

Reader Q&A:

Ok so first of all if this guy ended things over a text after TEN dates, he is not someone you want to be with long term. He did you a favor!

And trust me I know it might not feel that way for you, and it’s an easy thing for me to say that from the outside—but I needed to lead with that because you truly do deserve better and this is a classic sign of avoidance and emotional unavailability.

That said, I don’t think it’s weird for you to want more closure with a phone call. I just think it’s really important for you to manage your expectations going into the call if you do have it.

I fully believe that we cannot get closure from other people; closure is something we need to find in ourselves.

I do think that it could be helpful to maybe hear a little more from him, but I also am doubtful that he’ll have much to give you.

He’s obviously not in a place where he feels comfortable being vulnerable or having difficult conversations, so he might just say whatever he thinks you want him to say.

In my experience, those shorter term relationships that end abruptly or with no real reason can be the most difficult to get over. It’s so easy to just keep playing out in your mind what “could have been” if things had lasted a little longer or if they had just given it a chance.

I was recently doing some reflecting on my own past relationships, and I really did learn SO much from the ones that were short-lived.

Tl;dr; I would encourage you to put more energy into reflecting on what you might have learned from these 10 dates than into trying to have a conversation with him. Because that self-reflection is going to be so much more valuable.

Maybe you’ll look back and notice a red flag you missed. Or maybe you’ll find a few instances where you accepted less than what you wanted from the relationship (e.g. inconsistent communication, not great at listening, etc.). Or maybe you actually learned more about the qualities you are looking for in a partner or a relationship.

Whatever the learning is, I promise there is something to take away from this that will only help you in your dating life moving forward.

👀 Things to do alone after a breakup

Want to be suggest a topic or submit a question (anonymously) for a future send? Send me an email here.

This week on the pod:

The Best Boundaries To Set On Early Dates + How To Do It

what we talk about:

• boundaries you should set

• how to set them naturally

• green & red flags in arguments

• going from friends to dating

• what to do when someone pulls back after having sex for the first time

• navigating a relationship with a guy who’s two best friends are (unwelcoming) sisters

& more!

*Anyone who leaves a rating and review on the podcast this week gets a special $5 treat from me. Just reply to this email with a screenshot of your review!