Welcome back to Mostly Dating, a newsletter designed to help you transform your dating life and relationships.

Every Friday, we’ll dive deeper into reader questions and various dating, relationship, and self-care tips.

Want to suggest a topic or submit a question (anonymously) for a future send? Send me an email here.

Early signs a relationship is right

Dating someone new? Every timeline is different—so rather than telling you how many dates before exclusivity or when you should define the relationship, I prefer to talk about early signs you can look out for:

🤍 you don’t feel anxious when you’re together (OR in between dates): You should feel comfortable being yourself around them, especially as you get to dates 3+. **It’s just as important how you feel when you leave them as when you’re together

🤍 communication feels natural: It’s normal to feel nervous bringing up certain topics, but you shouldn’t feel worried that they’ll be mad or react badly

🤍 things are progressing naturally: You’re not constantly wondering if you’re going to hear from them, if there’s going to be another date, etc. Bonus if they’re suggesting dates that aren’t just dinner or drinks
*I just posted an Instagram reel with summer activity date ideas

🤍 you are both initiating plans and conversations: Communication shouldn’t be one-sided! If you’re a woman dating a man, it’s totally fine to want them to pursue you for the first few dates, but you should eventually feel comfortable initiating some dates

🤍 when you’re together, you’re focused on each other: They’re not spending the whole night on their phone, and you don’t feel a constant urge to check yours. It’s a bad sign if you’re counting down for the date to end 😬

🤍 they listen when you speak (and remember things you tell them): Bonus if small things start to remind you of each other! 🚩 if they ask you the same questions over and over
 
🤍 you’re naturally integrating into each other’s lives: You should feel comfortable and excited to bring this person into your life (meeting friends, family, etc.)—and they should be doing the same

*in the very early days, you should both at least be talking about the important people in your lives

🤍 there is mutual attraction: Controversial take 🫣: the “spark” can grow, but there NEEDS to be attraction from the start

Early signs it’s a rebound

I’ve talked about signs you are ready to date again after a breakup, but it’s also helpful to have a few clues to look out for that you’re getting into rebound territory.

🔬 research actually shows that breakups can make us less sure of who we are, which is why it’s so easy to rebound with the wrong person.

signs it’s a rebound:

❤️‍🩹 your (or their) last relationship ended abruptly: the keyword here is abruptly. If one of you was recently blindsided by a breakup, it’s more likely those feelings haven’t been worked through

❤️‍🩹 you are trying to fill a void: it’s okay to still miss things about your ex or your past relationship, but if you feel you are trying to fill a significant void with this new person, you may need to work to fill that void yourself before dating

❤️‍🩹 you’re holding onto anger or resentment: if you’re constantly feeling like you’re pushing down emotions and this new relationship is the only thing that makes you feel better, it could be a rebound.

❤️‍🩹 conversations tend to land on past relationships: Or on the flip side one of you is actively avoiding talking about the past

*pay attention to HOW they talk about their ex

❤️‍🩹 things move fast but on a surface level: It’s easy to dive into a relationship quickly, but it’s not as easy to open up emotionally if you’re still hurting from a breakup.

❤️‍🩹 the relationship centers around physical intimacy: does the relationship live in the bedroom with little to no emotional component?

❤️‍🩹 you often wonder what your ex would think about the fact that you are in a new relationship: this is a surefire sign that you’re on the rebound. x1,000 if you’re openly trying to make them jealous.

👀 the biggest sign? you’re still reading this and still wondering if it’s a rebound.

Honestly, not all rebounds are bad, but if you are getting into a new relationship soon after a breakup, my advice is to take it slower than usual

Reader Q&A:

I actually do think there should always be a honeymoon phase. While I don’t love using the term “phase” for this period of time (a topic for another day!), I think there should be a lot of excitement at the beginning of a new relationship!/

I actually had a great conversation with Nicholas Velotta, relationship scientist and sexologist, about this topic. That episode will come out this Monday 6/2, but basically there are a ton of scientific reasons WHY we feel kind of addicted to people early on in the relationship.

It’s 1000% normal for that feeling to calm down over time and then ebb and flow throughout the relationship, but I think it’s a red flag if there’s more confusion and wondering than excitement and heart eyes in those early days of a defined relationship.

If they’re SO avoidant that they’re making you question their feelings about you or you don’t feel as happy in the relationship as you want to be, then I think they might not be ready for a relationship.

All that said, every honeymoon phase does look different! So if you’re more concerned about how it compares to what you’re seeing on social media, I’d try not to worry about it. But if it’s a matter of you just not even feeling confident in the relationship then I would talk to him about what needs are not being met.

You could also try doing things to light that spark (like activity dates, seeing each other in different environments, etc.), but I don’t personally think you should need to try to light the spark in the beginning I think the attraction and excitement should naturally build over the first few weeks and then it should be peaking as you’re defining the relationship and enjoying those early relationship days together!

👀 I really want everyone’s thoughts on this one.

Want to be suggest a topic or submit a question (anonymously) for a future send? Send me an email here.

This week on the pod:

A Roadmap For The Anxious Generation, with Carrie Berk

what we talk about:

• Carrie’s experience when she first started having panic attacks

• Being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD

• How anxiety shows up in Carrie’s day-to-day life

• Anxiety and dating

• Obstacles facing daters today in their early 20s

& more!

click here to listen.