Welcome back to Mostly Dating, a newsletter designed to help you transform your dating life and relationships.

Before we get into it: If you follow me on Instagram you know our most recent podcast guest, Amy Nobile Messing, inspired me to try meditating (for the millionth time). This time, I set a realistic goal: 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes at night.

I’m only nine days in, but I’ve already noticed a shift. I’m sleeping better, I feel more grounded, and—most surprisingly—I’m way more aware of my inner dialogue.

I realized I have a lot of negative self-talk. Whether it’s nitpicking my appearance, rethinking something I said in a meeting, or self-doubt about a goal I have, or comparison to someone I see on social media, I noticed a buzz of self-doubt that ebbs and flows throughout the day.

The reason I wanted to bring this up is because (a) I know these thoughts are very common and (b) just the act of becoming aware of my thoughts has really helped me silence or reframe them.

I truly believe our thoughts have the power to become reality, so I’m working hard to make mine more positive. Who’s with me?!

8 early signs your date is emotionally available

You can have the most intense chemistry, aligned interests, and the same sense of humor—but if someone isn’t emotionally available, the relationship is just not going to work.

If you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing whether someone’s ready for something real, these signs will help clarify things.

🤍 they don’t shy away from deep topics: Lighthearted conversations are great, but it’s not a good sign if they deflect or make jokes of every serious topic you bring up.

🤍 they show empathy: Toward you & other people! Empathy is a HUGE indicator of emotional availability.
*I love the Actually Curious conversation deck because it’s centered around exactly this.

🤍 they are okay with disagreements: Do they get defensive or invalidate your POV when you have a difference in opinion? Or are they open to hearing what you have to say?

🤍 they talk openly about the future: You shouldn’t be mapping out your life together a few dates in—but they should be able to talk about what they want for their future. *Once you do DTR, they should acknowledge you as part of it.

🤍 they remember things you tell them: If they’re constantly asking you the same questions & not remembering your answers, they’re likely not very invested. Major green flag if they bring up previous conversations & show interest in learning more!

🤍 they’ve learned from past experiences: Pay attention to the way they talk about their past—does it seem like they’ve grown from it?

🤍 they share intimate details of their life: Research shows sharing secrets bonds people together & the ability to be vulnerable is a big sign of emotional availability. It’s a red flag if they only keep it surface level.

🤍 they move the relationship forward: Sounds obvious, but take note of whether they’re coasting through while you move things forward or if they’re also initiating milestones.

🚩 the biggest sign they aren’t emotionally available? INCONSISTENCY. If you’re constantly wondering when you’ll hear from them, or their actions don’t match their words, that’s your sign to find the door.

This was the lowest point in my dating life

Someone recently asked me on Instagram if I’d ever dealt with anything difficult in my own dating life. I realized I must not share enough personal stories, because I absolutely have seen some low points in dating and relationships 😱.

I spent most of my twenties in a toxic relationship and in situationships that never gave me what I really wanted. I wasn’t attracting people who were aligned with what I wanted, and I eventually got to a point where I felt like everyone around me was leaps and bounds “ahead” of me in life. Married, having kids, etc.

Talk about negative self-talk and limiting beliefs, I had created this narrative in my head that I would “always” be “the single one” and I’d “never find someone.” I even started to tell myself that I was fine with that. I’ll just be the fun aunt!

Then one day it was like I cleared the fog from my sunglasses (using an analogy from Amy in this week’s episode!). I got honest about the stories I’d been telling myself, reflected on my dating patterns, and looked back at past relationships to figure out what they were each meant to teach me.

I made a list of what I was looking for in a partner and in a relationship and then I evaluated the list to see how I could start bringing those qualities into my life. I wanted someone who I could travel with, so I started solo traveling. I wanted someone who had was passionate about their career, so I shifted my career into something I was actually passionate about. 

I studied everything I could about dating and relationships. I interviewed hundreds of experts on my podcast, and I started taking dating seriously. I learned to date intentionally and I actually created a blueprint for hundreds of thousands of people to do the same (which, by the way, you can sign up for here!).

And then I remember so clearly one day in the end of December 2022 I was recording a podcast episode with my best friend and I said “I decided I’m going to get a boyfriend this year.” I went on my first date with my boyfriend on January 2nd 2023, and we’ve been together since!

This wasn’t a coincidence. I truly do not think this relationship would have worked out if we met at any other point in my life. If I hadn’t had those “failed” relationships, and if I hadn’t done all the self reflection and work.

And another huge thing that helped me during that time of feeling like I’d never find the relationship I was looking for, was finding expanders. I would literally search for podcast episodes, articles, or even fiction novels that centered around people falling in love around the age that I was then.

Realizing how much this helped me, I recently posted on TikTok asking people to share stories of meeting their person later than they expected—and I was honestly tearing up reading the responses! My favorite thing was seeing comments from single people who said the comments section gave them hope. If you’re going through it right now, I highly suggest you take a minute to read it.

Reader Q&A: Where to meet single, quality men IRL

One of my most common questions for sure. And I get it!! I totally get the frustration with dating apps and the allure of meeting someone in real life.

I personally met my boyfriend on Hinge, but before that I only ever dated people I met IRL. Here are my favorite places to meet people:

Sporting events & sports bars: Yup, I know it sounds cliché. But I’m willing to generalize that most men do love sports. And a lot of them go in groups to sports games and sports bars. Go with a couple friends and make conversation with people.

Volunteering: Kill two birds with one stone! Do something that will help other people and make you feel good, but also will put you in a scenario around likeminded people who are likely to be nice and friendly if you spark up conversation.

Workshops or classes: Join groups about things you are passionate about. Go to a painting class if you love to paint. Sign up for a foreign language class. Whatever the topic is, just start doing more of the things you love and you’ll naturally be surrounded by people you’re compatible with.

Through introductions: Tell your friends you want to meet someone! Don’t pester them about it, but make a point to tell all your friends that you’re open to meeting new people and ask them if they know anyone who is single. They probably aren’t actively thinking of who they could set you up with, but if you plant the seed they might know someone.

Coffee shops, grocery stores, restaurants, bookstores (literally anywhere): the point is, if you’re open to meeting someone IRL, you’ll find that there are people to meet everywhere you go. Make a point to be friendly, even with people you aren’t trying to date. Make small talk with the cashier or the person behind you in line and this will put the vibes out that you’re approachable. It will also make you feel more comfortable talking to “strangers” when the opportunity does come up with someone you’re interested in.

More ideas: on the sidelines of a race (so many attractive men lol), in public reading a book (I promise people will ask what you are reading), at work (yup, I’m all for it).

Want to suggest a topic or submit a question (anonymously) for a future send? Send me an email here.

This week on the pod:

Navigating Divorce & Learning to Date with Intention, with Amy Nobile Messing

what we talk about:

• Amy’s decision to end her marriage

• Amy’s experience dating in NYC after divorce

• how Amy because a holistic dating coach

• the four pillars of intentional dating

• navigating the early dating phases

• the importance of authenticity in dating

• handling rejection in dating

• daily practices for dating success

& more

click here to listen.